Homosexuality and Sexual Deviance Within Our Society

Time of Original Posting: Tuesday, April 19th, 2011 at 2:26am

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I've been meaning to pen these thoughts down for a while. Had a discussion with someone about this tonight, and it got me thinking about a line of thought that I've had for years: society's treatment of people of different sexualities - gays, lesbians, transexuals, and everything in between - is comparable to its treatment of people with fetishes - BDSM and stuff like that - namely, that they'll tolerate it as long as it doesn't come up in polite conversation. The NIMBY rule is the word. As long as it's kept on the down low, no one will make a fuss about what you do with your private life. Many people have already taken advantage of this fact. The most polite, refined and conservative people in the world might just have some of the most perverse or scandalous fantasies that come to life behind closed doors, and get away with it because of that key point: "behind closed doors."

When you break it down, sexuality fits evenly within the broad range of fetishes and kinks of the human sphere. There are things that get us off, and things that don't. Whether that be whips and chains, hot wax, or someone from the same sex, it all falls into the category of "things that turn us on." Some are more conservative, some are more extreme, some are not allowed by law (underage partners and rape, to name a few), but no matter what you're into, you will be accepted by society as long as nobody finds out about it. Out of sight, out of mind. There are some things the world at large just doesn't want to know about.

And therein lies the problem. Sexuality lies so predominantly in a person's identity, that to keep it behind closed doors would seem like a denial of one's true self. Every time someone acts flamboyant or butch or in any other way openly displays their sexual preferences, they are keeping true to their identity by refusing to keep their interests out of public view. But there are a number of gays, lesbians and transsexuals, just as there are straight people with embarrassing or shameful fetishes (even some illegal ones), that fit into society by keeping their desires under wraps.

When people reveal these fetishes and kinks and sexualities, that's when they stand out. It is our ability to control our urges and not let them dominate our lifestyle that allows us to fit in. By refusing to conform, gays and lesbians stay true to themsevles to be sure, but they also expose themselves to the scorn of the unforgiving majority. This is not to accuse or antagonize, but merely point out that by keeping such desires a secret, people are able to fit in and be accepted. It's noble to be yourself in the face of oppression, but consider this - the inability to control ones desires is the sole reason laws exist.

The reason we lock up rapists and child molesters is because we have agreed, as a society, that the people who desire to commit these acts and cannot (or choose not to) control these impulses are too dangerous and/or not allowed within our society. These criminals might also make the argument that they are simply "being true to themselves" but the act is so heinous that their arguments fall on deaf ears.

Homosexuality and bisexuality is not forbidden by law, at least in some states (as far as I know - I'm not counting marriage, simply the sexual act itself, but I could be wrong. Feel free to correct me if I am). But that does not change the fact that it is the minority among the sexual preferences of the masses. As far as hollywood movies and the MPAA ratings are concerned, heterosexual pairings in missionary and other vanilla positions are the norm, and anything that strays from that (homosexuality, deviant sexual positions, and anything kinky in the slightest) gets an NC-17 rating - and therefore, only viewable by people who actively seek it out, i.e., the minority.

If you have a fetish - or a sexuality - that deviates from this norm, unless society changes in your lifetime (which is a rare but not unheard of occurence), you're going to be subjected to these pressures for the rest of your life. The choice remains - keep it a secret and be accepted, but feel that you're not being true to yourself, or expose your desires to the public and hope that by doing so, others might follow suit, and try to avoid the slings and arrows of the misunderstanding and judgemental masses.

This is probably not news to you if this is the case, but you should also know this - you are not alone. Even amongst the hetereosexual community, there are those with various kinks and fetishes, some of which would be shameful and embarrasing and completely upset their social life if it ever came to light, who must face the same choice. Their fetish or kink may not be so thouroughly rooted to their identity as yours, but then again, maybe it is. There are entire communities that organize around certain fetishes for those that know where to look, as I'm sure there are amongst homosexuals. These communities evolve, usually under the radar, but as a place where people can be open about their deviant kink or preference.

You are not the only ones who must sometimes pretend to be something you're not, pretend to find something appealing, when what you really want is on another buffet table altogether, and know that if anyone at the table knew this, you'd be shunned. I hope you can take comfort in knowing that there are those, even amongst the heterosexual community, who understand and share in your predicament.

To summarize, we all have desires. Those desires stretch the full range of availability, from what society considers "normal" to what it considers "deviant," which can include fetishes, homosexuality, and perverse felonies. But the most important thing to take away from this note is this: what makes us "normal" are not these desires we feel, but our ability to contain them.

We all have desires, many of them not even sexual. The desire for food, power, and money, to name a few. Those who cannot control these desires, to the point where they steal or harm others to satisfy them, are punished for it. We have been raised all our lives to control our desires, no matter what their nature is, for the sake of fitting into society, because if you don't fit in, the way tthe law sees it, you cannot contribute and help society grow. Our code of laws exist to keep these desires in check. How we fit into society is based soley around how we manage all of our desires.

You can be open with yourself if you wish, but there is no shame in keeping your desires a secret, especially if they are embarrasing, scandalous, or especially felonous. For this latter group, the adviseable method is, of course, to keep your desires a secret and never practice them, even behind closed doors. There have been those who have absconded to third world countries that won't penalize you for commiting them, and we've all seen the results of their failed attempt to do so discretely. Our newspapers are full of stories that are testament to what happens when something like that gets out.

But for the rest of us, simply meeting the right person, getting to know them, confiding in them, trusting them with your kinks or sexual preferences, discovering against hope that they either share your desire, or are willing to accommodate it, and finally being able to enjoy what you love doing the most behind closed doors in a consensual and harmless manner, in my opinion, is the most logical and livable approach to dealing with a devious desire. You can still keep your job, your friends, your life, and still be able to escape into your fantasy world when no one else is around - essentially, having your cake and eating it too.

Of course, it would be nice if the world were an open and accepting place, where everyone could express themselves freely, but the sad truth is, it isn't. It may never be. It won't change until enough people expose themselves until it can compete with the majority. But those who do will suffer the consequences. Those that make this sacrifice in the hope of bettering the world for those in their community have my respect and support, but if what you desire is to simply be at peace with the world and your desires, the above method is surely the best approach.