So it's been a while, a long while, since I updated this blog. Mostly because I know nobody reads it, but it might help to jot some thoughts down for now. It simulates having actual, meaningful conversation, instead of just shooting the breeze like I do with most of the people I speak to. And this isn't to say the people in my life don't invite conversation, it's just me being reclusive and not believing anyone would truly understand.
As of now, I've been working at Pitt for about a year. The past year has seen some breathtaking changes for me. Within a year, I've gone from having practically no money in the bank and relying on my parents for food, clothing and shelter, to earning an annual salary with money in savings. Within a year, I've moved into my own apartment, started buying my own food, cooking for myself, cleaning for myself, and having to worry about a dozen things having to do with keeping my life together. And within a year, I've started going to the gym on a regular basis, managed to drop ten pounds, and even start running. Today, I ran a mile in seven and a half minutes.
It's come at a cost though. I don't know if it's just the summer lull, or the fact that I'm not in school anymore, but I feel like I don't get to do much with my friends anymore. I still see people - Thursday nights, I see some friends from Pitt for movie night, Friday's (usually), a group of friends from CCAC for D&D or something social, and starting next month, every other Saturday will see me gaming with another group from CCAC. And Sunday, for the last year and a half, I've been gaming with another group from Pitt. So it would seem that I'm getting my share of social activity in.
Yet still...I don't know. It doesn't feel like it's enough. Maybe it's because school's not in session, and anime club isn't going on - which would add another night to that list. Maybe it's because two or three of those aforementioned meetups have been skipped for the past week or more - either by me or by DM ruling. Maybe - and this is something that might really become an issue later - it's because I don't have anything in common with my coworkers. Everyone in my office is either married with kids, or at the equivalent age. But I don't even seem to have anything in common with the student workers either, who are closer to my age group. One is even a film studies major. But she's quiet as a mouse, and every time I approach her, I get the feeling that she's either intimidated by me, or creeped out.
It doesn't help that I'm hyper sensitized to just this reaction from people. Ever since I started going to Falk at age 5, and I was identified with the moniker of "booger-breath," people have generally avoided me. I don't know if it's out of shyness, their own self-consciousness, but every time it happens, I can't help but feel that I repulse them somehow. Maybe I didn't shower well enough that morning, maybe I didn't put on enough deodorant. Maybe my clothes don't fit me right, and they make me look like a fat slob. Maybe I am a fat slob - God knows dieting and exercise haven't changed that. With a barrel chest atop ballet dancer legs, I'm about as awkward and unbalanced and gangly as one of those creepers you see on the bus. Every time I look in the mirror, all I can see is a creeper. Nothing I do seems to change that, and everyone around me seems to, even if unconsciously, reinforce that belief whether it's true or not. I'm not even saying that I believe it is true - but it would sure help my self confidence level if people acted like they genuinely wanted to be around me.
This got off track real fast, but really, I have nothing positive left to say. Maybe I need to see a therapist. All I can say is, I wish I wasn't so sensitive. I wish I didn't care. I wish I could just let it roll off my shoulders, I'd be so much happier of a person. But I can't. I get so jealous seeing people being open and honest with each other, and seem genuinely happy to be around each other. I get so jealous when someone can speak their mind, and people will actually listen to them. I get so jealous when I see people who get noticed at all! If I'm ever noticed, it's usually so that I can be avoided. Failing that, I don't get noticed at all, or worse, just simply ignored.
I wish it didn't bother me. I wish I didn't care. But I do. I feel so dis-empowered to do anything about this. I feel like it's me against the world. And the world is kicking my ass.
